I’ve been pretty vocal over this last year about how I fell away from my relationship with God for most of my adult life. I rededicated my life to God, January of ’23 and was re-baptized in July of ’23. As a friend recently put it, “Ever since your baptism, there’s been a ‘bullseye’ on your back, in regard to your health.”

But the reality of that statement is, that’s not really true. I’ve had struggles with my health all throughout my adult life. Some of them made life incredibly difficult. And for most of my adult life, I wallowed in my own misery, hating myself, the world and anyone living in it … I anguished in pain. In fact, at one point, I was actually going to tattoo my knuckles with the words ‘hate’ & ‘pain’, to show my disdain for this thing called life. I thank God now that I gave that decision a second thought & didn’t go through with it. I’m still planning on inking my knuckles, but with a more positive message (more on that to come).

I spent most of my ’20s being a drunk & doing bad things – choosing my flesh & rebellion over God. I worked in radio and television and was somewhat of a local celebrity, but I really didn’t amount to much. I was pretty much a loser. In my late twenties my health tanked, and I came down with multiple infections in my tonsils & blood, with the doctors at one point thinking I might have tonsillar cancer. So at 27, while suffering through both staph and strep in my blood from all the infections, I had an emergency tonsillectomy. Fortunately, it didn’t turn out to be cancer, but I gained a considerable amount of weight and the infections damaged my immune system & it appears, possibly my heart. 

I recovered from my illnesses, rededicated my life to God and started going to church again, working at my old church youth camp & enrolled at a local Bible College.  But my health tanked on me again, and I fell away from my relationship with God again, dropping out of Bible College.  After several tough months, having to put my dog down, and a big case of depression, I hit rock bottom.  Eventually I got myself into counseling, worked through my health issues and decided I needed to do something positive and productive with my life, so I joined the US Naval Reserves and went to work for the Red Cross.

The military was good for me – I lost about 100 lbs, found a brotherhood (I also had a few close sisters) and a purpose.  The self confidence I found in the military & working for the Red Cross launched me into a career in the Fire Service & EMS.  I rose through the ranks, did a lot of cool things, and helped a lot of people.  I also spent some time working for the government, taught EMS at several community colleges & eventually moved into law enforcement and corrections medicine towards the end of my career (I’ll chat more about this in later blogs & eventually my podcast).

After about 15 years of serving others, I was still an empty shell of a man. I never really found what I was looking for.  All those years of ‘good works’ didn’t do anything to fill me up and really didn’t amount to much. In fact, they actually did more damage to me than good, because the career took a considerable toll on me both physically and mentally. I left the career a ‘broken man’ (which is where I came up with the name of this Blog). I still hated myself and I had abandoned my relationship with God. I was a miserable human being.

I’ll pick up on the rest of my story in later episodes, but the silver lining of my story is – The Hound of Heaven continued to chase me throughout all my ‘lost years’ and wouldn’t let me go (Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV – The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.) There finally came a day where I submitted, got down on my knees and gave all the ‘hate’ and ‘pain’ to God. I laid the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the fear, the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness at His feet and begged Jesus to forgive me for my hard-heart & rebellious spirit.  I asked Jesus to resume His rightful place in my life as my Light and Master.

I still have pain, that’s part of the human condition living in this broken world. And I’m working to let my hate & anger go. But I’m still a broken man, both physically and mentally. Spiritually though, I have been made whole through Jesus Christ and His victory over sin and death at Cavalry.

Romans 5:3-4 (NIV)
[3] Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; [4] perseverance, character; and character, hope.

The ‘hate’ and ‘pain’ are slowly being replaced in my life with Joy & Love.  Are you struggling with ‘hate’ & ‘pain’?  If so, I know a guy that can help. -shawn