So most folks that know me, are aware I’ve been perpetually single most of my adult life. 

I often wonder why … is God protecting me from something, or protecting others from Me? Or, does He just have other plans for me that involve me being single?

I’ve always been enamored with the opposite sex. I had ‘girlfriends’ starting as early as five or six. Most of my elementary, and middle school years I had a girlfriend (oftentimes, in defiance of my Mother). And usually, it was someone older & way too pretty for me. I literally had this one girlfriend in middle school, that was two years older than me and threatened to beat me up, if I didn’t date her. 

Well, high school came around, and I became this fat, shy kid and extremely awkward. But I still managed to have a few amazing girlfriends. I met this blonde, blue eyed girl one summer at band camp (yes, I was a band nerd) named Bubbles (not her real name). She was the love of my life & the girl I thought I would marry.

But, dating started to become a challenge for me in high school, because I was extremely immature & just wanted to party and get in trouble. My weekends consisted of being a turd with my buddies (cruising the gut, ice blocking, sneaking into frat parties, buying beer & getting drunk, egging & toilet papering houses, etc.). It was hard to date when I was more concerned about trying to see how much trouble I could get into. 

I like to joke that I had my first early ‘mid-life crisis’ around seventeen, because I burned myself out. I got really sick my senior year with Haemophilus & Strep and was forced to drop-out of high school (that illness was the precursor to my health issues that I blogged about last time). I ended up going to college early in January of my Senior Year, where I completed my high school diploma and started studying criminal justice (at this point in my life, I was serving as a Police Explorer Scout for the local Police Department).

I started to struggle with dating around the time I turned eighteen. Although I had been blessed with several amazing girlfriends, I somehow always seemed to make a mess of things and the relationships fell apart. I had a really hard time committing to someone, and I always seemed to be looking for something better. I dated Bubbles on & off through high school and into my early twenties. We’d stop talking, I’d meet someone else, date them for awhile and then things would go sideways. Meanwhile, I’d be single, try to get back with Bubbles, but she’d be dating someone else. This back & forth went on for several years. I actually ended up buying her a promise ring and put an engagement ring on layaway at a local jeweler when I was twenty-one, hoping we could finally sort things out & settle down together.

I was supposed to meet her one night for a date at a local high basketball game (along with her family). But when the night came, I thought I was going to have to cancel because of work. I ended up cutting loose from work early and showed up at her house to surprise her. When I arrived, her family didn’t want to let me in the house. One of her sisters (who was fond of me) let me in, where I found her with another guy … I was destroyed! I took the promise ring back, said a lot of mean, nasty things, proceeded to drive back to my place in Portland (from Albany) about 100mph, and then went on a bender. I had a local bar just down the street from my apartment, and the owner was an older gal that was kind of my ‘barstool’ therapist. I dumped my sad story on her and proceeded to get thoroughly trashed on beer. I ended up so drunk, I couldn’t drive home. I actually had to crawl most of the (3) blocks home. To add more insult to injury, I was scheduled to go ‘on-call’ at midnight for my job. My boss lived in my building, and like an idiot, I crawled up two flights of stairs to beat on his door, to try and grab the on-call keys & pager. He took one look at me and told me to go back to my apartment and get some sleep, and that we’d talk about this ‘tomorrow’. From that night on, I swore serious relationships off, deciding that no woman could be trusted and decided I was just going to be a carefree bachelor. And that’s exactly what I did.

My life has been filled with lots of poor choices, bad decisions and mistakes. And, unfortunately, it seems my dating life is a reflection of that kind of life, led outside the direction and guidance of a Loving Holy Father. One of my pastors talks about free will and life choices. He explains that God puts us on a path, but gives us the ability to make choices that alter that path. So I have to ask myself, have a made a series of incredibly bad choices in my younger days, that altered my path from what God truly desired for me? Including not finding a wife or having a family? Or, was this always the path God intended for me? Is this absolutely where I’m supposed to be at this stage of my life? Would my faith be as strong, if I made other choices and was sharing my life with someone right now? Is God sparing others from walking through the trials that I’m facing right now?

I guess it comes down to this. I’ve been in love a few times in my life (I can think of three or four women that I absolutely adored). I know God brought those women into my life for a reason. However, I also know, after years of hindsight and reflection, I have been a saboteur of healthy relationships after that night where I felt betrayed by someone I loved.

In the end, I’m left with this – everything in my life brings me back to Romans 8:28 … it’s truly become my life verse. (Romans 8:28, ESV – And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.) I love God, I know He has a plan & purpose in ALL things, and that He weaves those things together for good (to His Glory). I also known I have been chosen to be His son and called to serve Him.

So, Bubbles – I forgive you. I’m sorry for the mean things I said and did, and I’m sorry for hurting you all those years ago. Despite my longing to have a wife, children … a family, I’ll take comfort in Romans 8:28, knowing there’s a reason I’ve ended up turning into a biker warrior monk over the years, single, with a dog as my companion.

All things work together for Good …

-shawn

The true measure of God’s love is that He loves without measure. -unknown